Project Petrolhead

There’s an automotive YouTuber who I’m tangentially aware of. He’s incredibly popular, with millions of subscribers, hundreds of thousands of views per video, and a fleet of ludicrously expensive performance cars at his beck and call. There’s just one thing that troubles me; I have an inkling that the chap may be colourblind. Fairly often you’ll hear him say “Oh, that’s a Scrongle 347 in Hen’s Teeth Yellow with cream interior. That’s quite rare in that spec! Oh look, another Scrongle in Obtuse Lemon with ivory seats. That’s quite rare in that spec!” despite the fact that both cars are visually identical. I suspect it was this colour-blindness that led him to purchase an otherwise stunning Ferrari in what appears to be Hearing-Aid Beige.

Joking aside, I feel like manufacturers do need a stern talking-to here. In the age of Instagram, people are fighting for the lion’s share of a finite number of eyeballs on every post, and what gets easy attention? That’s right, outrage. If something is so disgusting that people feel compelled to comment on it, then you’ve already won! Car makers know this too and have begun to capitalise on it by allowing people to select the most hideous combination of optional colours they can think of. Picture, if you will, a Jaguar F-Type Coupe, painted in perhaps a dark blue. Keep picturing it… Just a bit longer… It’s nice, isn’t it? Now picture it painted in Day-Glo green with black wheels. Yeah, sorry about that. It’s absolutely ruined an otherwise lovely coupe. So why on earth did BMW decide that it would be the perfect spec for their new M4 press car? At least you’ll never lose it in a car park, I suppose.

I feel like there’s a fine line between a specification ruining a car and being so outrageously dull that you don’t give a car a second look – see the endless wave of grey, white and black – and it is nice to see people push the boat out in some ways but for goodness’ sake NO BLACK WHEELS! All they do is disappear into the arches and completely hide any design details that we would otherwise be able to see. The same goes for those people who take a look at a car with lots of intricate design details – Take the Mercedes S-Class coupe as an example, with the really good-looking swage-line crease that runs between the front and back wheelarches – and think “yes! This would look much better murdered out so you can’t see any of it!”

I’m not claiming to be an expert – in fact, I’ve never actually specced a new car – but I’ve spent enough time on online configurators to know that there’s a cheat code for making the perfect colour combination on any car. Take a primary colour (Red, Blue, Green or Yellow if you’re feeling adventurous) in a darker, metallic shade, pair it with silver wheels (diamond cut is acceptable if silver isn’t available) and steer well clear of anything labelled “Exterior Carbon Fibre”. It might not be the rarest specification to roll off the production line, but it’ll be classy enough to remain timeless.

At the end of the day, just remember: You’re not buying the car for the next person, pick one that you like and you’ll never go wrong.