Project Petrolhead

As yet another week passed in the life of a petrolhead with more ambition than money (I’m sure anyone reading this will be able to relate) I received a text from my old friend Rob – the prolific purveyor of pleasantly priced p… er… cars, who has cropped up here before – with a proposition; Did I fancy a spur of the moment road trip to pick up a new project? Of course I did. The plan was simple (read: unnecessarily complex). We would drive from Tamworth to Clipston – a scenic little village in Northamptonshire – in Rob’s BMW 330e Estate (a full review of which can be found HERE), where he would pick up his latest purchase, we would then drive back to Tamworth in convoy, drop off the BMW and then immediately head two hours south to the Cotswolds. Why? Why not?

The Journey to collect Rob’s mystery car was passed by us discussing why he’d decided to buy another car (do we ever need a reason?). In the next few months, the lease deal on the 330e would be coming to an end, and Rob was faced with a choice. Chop it in for a newer car or pay the few-thousand-pound balloon payment and keep the car he’d loved for tens of thousands of miles. Rob chose option three: Get rid of the BMW, save some money and go and buy an entire second car for less than the price of the finance deal.

The car in question was a Saab 9-3 1.9 TTiD purchased via eBay from a lovely chap who seemed to deal exclusively in moderately quick diesel saloons, given that the Saab was one of two and sat on his driveway next to a Skoda Octavia VRS (also for sale and yes, I was tempted). The 9-3 was, in classic Rob fashion, visually scruffy but structurally sound and mechanically solid, with a previous owner having decided that the exterior chrome should be wrapped matte black, and that what the side of the 9-3 was missing was large black decals that said “SAAB”. Just in case you forget what you’re driving, I assume.

Dodgy wraps and decals weren’t the only modifications that the Saab had received from overzealous owners however, as we soon found out when Rob and I decided to stage a little rolling drag race along the A5 (from 50-70mph, officer, I promise), during which the 290bhp BMW was left in a rather large cloud of soot by the twin-turbo diesel saloon moving toward the horizon with an alarming pace. As the 9-3 left the factory with forged pistons, rods and bottom-end (one of the many reasons why Saab lost money hand-over-fist), they respond very well to even the most basic plug-and-play remap, with this particular example making somewhere in the region of 240bhp (from 180 stock) and 330lb/ft of torque. Lovely. Not all the mechanical mods were winners though. Once I’d dropped off the BMW and jumped into the Saab’s exceedingly comfortable passenger seat, the ride quality reared its ugly head. Lowering springs? On a Saab? I don’t think so.

I feel like we’ve been lied to by YouTube (and yes, I know this is ironic given how this venture began) because, shockingly, subjecting a cheap, relatively unknown car to a two-hundred-mile round trip around the middle of England didn’t result in any catastrophic failures to speak of. There were no explosions, leaks, police fines, we didn’t even lose one of the wheels. I felt absolutely sure at the start of the day that we’d be crouched next to the burning husk of a Scandinavian saloon, gurning for a thumbnail photo and saying things like “Oh my GOD guys, we got SCAMMED”, but no. The journey was pleasant, the Saab was fast and cosseting, traffic was heavy and the company was enjoyable. The biggest mechanical failures of the day came in the form of a frayed seatbelt (now replaced), a squeaky clutch pedal, and me arriving in Bourton-on-the-Water paralytically desperate for a wazz… but I suspect that didn’t have anything to do with the 9-3. Maybe we just buy a better class of car than that sort of YouTuber.

And maybe I shouldn’t drink so much pop when I’m on a road trip.