Project Petrolhead

There are a number of people on earth who think that you can tell everything about a person based entirely on what star sign they were born under. These people are, of course, wrong. The only way to really learn everything you need to know about somebody is to look at what car they drive. Let’s play a little game, shall we?

2025 Plate Audi A3 – Often found parked in front of a new-build house that’s been decorated floor-to-ceiling with crushed velvet upholstery and “Live Laugh Love” paraphernalia, the leased Audi A3 is a sure sign of a man who enjoys a skinny jean and a tight polo shirt to complement his high-maintenance skin-fade haircut. Probably called Dean.

Jaguar XJ – White-collar scoundrel. Has never paid a restaurant bill. See: Nigel Havers.

Land Rover Discovery 4 – Purchased new in 2012 and now on 160,000 miles because “nothing really beats it”, the Disco 4 is perfect for a middle-aged dad who likes rugby and gilets. There’s a high likelihood that the third row of seats has never been used. The Disco’s off-road capabilities may not have been tested, but it’s podcast playing capabilities are unquestioned. See also: Volvo XC70.

Skoda Octavia Estate – You’re either an unmarked police officer, or you’d like to be.

BMW M140i – You can’t quite stretch to the full-fat M3, but you will make the most out of your straight-six and open differential by attempting to do unsuccessful big skids while exiting car shows. Often found demonstrating their pop-and-bang map at 3am in a residential area. WHAM-PAM-PAM-PAM-PAM. “400bhp with an remap mate.” 3D Gel plates are a must, bonus points for tinted lights and “carbon-fibre” spoilers. See also: VW Golf R.

2010 Vauxhall Corsa D – Currently parked in the McDonalds car park with a disposable vape in the door bin and a 14-year-old girlfriend in the passenger seat.

BMW X5 – Either parked outside a school dropping off your precious little angels, or in the Waitrose car park stocking up on flax seeds and red wine. No, a 3-series estate would NOT do, thank you very much, as the owner will frequently (read: once per month) need to drive over a damp field to tend to their horse.

SEAT Leon – Currently awaiting sentencing on a speeding charge. MOT fail on front tyres wear.

2008 Toyota Rav4 – More van than car. To be driven exclusively from home to the dog park. Monty (probably a Border Collie) hates it. Rear seats have never been sat in, but do store 38 different types of jacket or walking boot. Owner probably looks like Brenda Blethyn from Vera.

Bentley Continental GT – You’ve just signed a lucrative contract with Manchester United.

Subaru Impreza WRX STi Limited Spec-D RB320 Blob-eye with the rare Prodrive performance and handling pack – Grew up playing Colin McRae Rally 2.0 on PlayStation. Has never seen a WRC race, but has seen Baby Driver over 300 times and reckons they can recreate the stunts.

Chevrolet Corvette – Socks and sandals, American flag shorts, loves Eagles (The bird) and Eagles (the band). See also: Dodge Challenger.

Chevrolet Corvette (In the UK) – You took one look at the established range of thoroughbred European performance cars and said “no thank you, I’d like something worse, please.” Thinks they’re the movie Vanishing Point. See also: Ford Mustang EcoBoost.

Citroen C1/Peugeot 107/Toyota Aygo – Either learning to drive, or passed their test within the last 12 months and still a little nervous about the whole thing.

Tesla Model 3 – Salesperson. Thinks the safest following distance is exactly 3.64 inches from your rear bumper. Has never left the outside lane. Has no idea where their indicators are. See also: BMW i4.

Jaguar XK – Handsome, intelligent, inherently interesting to the opposite sex and to top it all off, exceedingly humble.